Last night I had a dream. I was at my office, which wasn't my office, surrounded by my coworkers, who weren't my coworkers, and my supervisor presents me with a check for $12,968.37. Apparently, my picture was taken by a photographer and used in a print mailing campaign, which had gone national. I grabbed one of these envelopes, opened it up and BAM, there I was, a little picture of me in a headset, wearing a skull cap/beanie, giving the camera a bit of a smirk, but just enough to show that I had something behind that smile.

The office was mad at me or envious/jealous rather, and who could blame them? I would have been if someone else had not done anything (really) and gotten a check for $13K. I grabbed a bunch of the envelopes to send to my family and friends.

I had such a sense of happiness. I began to get excited about the prospect of paying off my credit cards and be able to pay back my folks for everything they have given me. It was such a real feeling; I am sure if you were watching me sleep, I would have had a huge grin on my face.

The worst part of all of this was waking up, and having reality wash over me. As I slowly woke myself up, it began to hit home more clearly; there was no check, no money, I still have my debts. It was a sour way to wake up.

But even in this present sourness, there is a silver lining. As I thought about the transition from extreme joy in my dream to the sadness of my reality this morning, I was reminded of a series of dreams I used to have years ago. The dreams weren’t the same, they weren't a recurring dream or anything, but aspects of these dreams were always the same.

In these dreams, I would be in a position that required me to protect someone I cared for from harm, usually in the form of a bad person or monster. In these dreams, I would have a gun, a pistol or rifle/shotgun, and I would pull the trigger as hard as I could, but nothing would happen. The trigger would not budge, I would squeeze as hard as I could and I could not make it move at all. This made me feel weak, not because I couldn’t manage to “pull the trigger,” but because I couldn’t protect those I cared about from harm.

These dreams occurred infrequently, but the concept was the same every time; I could not forcibly harm a person to protect another. Until…

I remember this dream, and as far as I can tell, since this dream I have not had another of these types. I had a shotgun, and someone or something was threatening my loved ones. I raised the gun and pointed it at the attacker, and when I pulled the trigger, the gun fired and I killed the attacker. The ease with which the trigger pulled amazed me, especially because it had always been impossible to pull it before. I don’t remember the graphic details of the dream, I don’t remember who I was protecting, all I remember is that feeling of happiness that washed over me and stayed with me when I woke from the dream and throughout my day.

Maybe it was a signal that I had become a man and that I could protect those I cared about. Maybe it was telling me that I could harm those I didn’t care about. I don’t know for sure, but I know that I was happy with my having that option.